i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
