I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
