I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
