I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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