I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
