I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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