I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
