I just pynch a tree in the face
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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