At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
