sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
