Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
