i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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