Pappa wants mamma naked
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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