This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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