fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
