He had one of those small greek statue penises
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
3 2 1 whiskey
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
