we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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