She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
