she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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