yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
