my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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