Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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