so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It's never too late to be topless.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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