sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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