been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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