When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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