omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
