Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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