The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
