I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
