those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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