Everything about him screamed your future.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
