I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
