im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
