im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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