yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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