I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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