if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
