Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
