Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
