Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
