today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
