I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
