I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
