She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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