Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
