i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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