fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm getting married
To pizza
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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