You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
