I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
