we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
