Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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